Behind Closed Doors
by SourGummyBear
Summary: He shouldn't want this undeniable love that he feels for James to be returned; for James to love him. But he does. And that scares him. T for language.


**Pairing:** James/Carlos, mentions of Kendall/Logan

**Warnings:** None other than some mature themes, but not too bad. and some cursing.

**Rating:** T for language. nothing too scandalous

**Summary:** He shouldn't want this undeniable love that he feels for James to be returned; for James to love him. But he does. And that scares him.

_**A/N:So, i was working on my other BTR fic, Make Your Luck, and this idea popped in my head, and i just had to write it! It's a little bit different than what i usually do, but i actually kinda like it**_ O.o

_**I hope you enjoy**_

* * *

Carlos can't sleep. He keeps fidgeting and turning, trying to find a comfortable position, but he just can't find one. Gustavo is going to be so pissed when he sees the dark circles bruised under Carlos' eyes.

It was unusual for Carlos to not be able to sleep. That's one of the thing that the guys admire most about Carlos, along with his never ending supply of energy. As soon as his head hits the pillow, Carlos would be out like a light. But not recently. Whoever saw Carlos during the day would know that Carlos was a little ball of energy that couldn't stand being still for any amount of time. They would think that after a day of running around, hitting his head against the wall, and just being _Carlos_, that he would clock out in a matter of minutes, like Logan or Kendall or James.

James.

A snore shakes Carlos. He sits up in his bed and stares across the room at a beautiful peaceful sleeping form. His brown hair is tousled, sweeping gently across the boys forehead, just long enough to brush over his eyes. Carlos curses himself, because there again, is that low, empty, aching feeling he gets every time he looks at that boy.

He shouldn't be feeling this. He shouldn't want to sweep the hair away from the sleeping boy's eyes, or hold him the way Kendall holds Katie when he has a nightmare. He shouldn't want to kiss him when he loses his lucky comb, or hold his hand longer than he should when they take their final bow at their first concert. He shouldn't want more than the amazing friendship that James Diamond has already given him. He shouldn't want _a relationship_ with James Diamond, the pretty boy who has a slightly insane obsession with 'Cuda Cosmetics and talks to himself in mirrors. He shouldn't want to pin him down on the bed and kiss him like there's no tomorrow. He shouldn't want this undeniable love that he feels for James to be returned; for James to love him.

But he does. And that scares him.

_Hands are flying everywhere, caressing and stroking, and feeling. Lips are swollen, but that doesn't stop them. Their mouths connect, tongues battle and Carlos' vision goes fuzzy; he can't focus on one specific thing. _

_James' lips mold are Carlos' in such a way that makes Carlos want to him onto him and never let go. It was like Carlos was drowning and his only line of survival was James. James was his life vest, his airbags, something he didn't just want in his like. It was something that he needed, something he couldn't live without. James was a necessity, like food or water. _

_Carlos rolls his hips up involuntarily, causing James to smile against his lips. James leans into Carlos' touch rolling his hips against Carlos'. Once they find a perfect rhythm, a strangled noise escapes from the back of Carlos' throat. And, oh, god, Carlos can taste the cherry lips balm smeared over James' lips. Carlos bites and sucks on them, until the only taste on his tongue is the taste of James. _

"_I love you, Carlos," James says, gently nipping his way down Carlos' jaw. _

But before Carlos could answer James and repeat the words he so desperately wanted and needed to say, the lights would flip on and in would walk Mrs. Knight, announcing the arrival of the morning.

* * *

The first time Carlos had had these dreams, he was sure it was due to lack of sleep. Gustavo had been working them near to death. Five to six hours a sleep on a regular night just would not cut it. But, even when Carlos got a full night of sleep, these dreams returned.

_Maybe I'm just imagining it_, Carlos thinks, because seriously, there is no way that Carlos Garcia has feelings for James Diamond. There is just _no way_. They're best friends, and best friends don't fall in love with each other, unless it's in some horrible teen chick-flick movie.

His mind had to be playing tricks on him. Carlos wouldn't be having sexy dreams about his best friend if he was totally sane. Then again, is Carlos ever sane? So, when these dreams about Carlos started to become regular, and he almost expected them, Carlos watched what he said and did around James.

When one of their crazy schemes, thought up by Kendall, questioned by Logan, backed up by James and followed through by Carlos, actually worked, the boys usually celebrated by hugging each other and touching each other more than any group of boys should. But after these dreams were something Carlos couldn't get rid of, no matter what he did, (And honestly, he did _everything_. He tried to find ugly photos of James to prove to himself that James had an ugly side, only to find, hey guess what? James was perfect, and didn't have an ugly side. He tried thinking about dead puppies, or old women in bikinis, something that could help him get rid of these dreams by replacing them by replacing them with nightmares, but nothing worked.) Carlos stopped hugging the boys when their plans pulled through. Sure, the dreams were only about James, but if Carlos could fall in love with one of his best friends, he could fall in love with the other two, couldn't he?

The ache in his chest started to bring itself up when Kendall and Logan announced that they were a couple. Carlos had expected it all along, but that night, while Katie and Mrs. Knight are on another one of their mother-daughter bonding trips to San Diego, Kendall and Logan suggested that they all watch a movie together.

Carlos tries not to stare, he really does, but it's almost impossible not to watch Kendall and Logan kiss and whisper and giggle throughout the entirety of the movie. They hold hands and act all couple like, and cuddly, and Carlos wishes, just _wishes_ that James would notice how Carlos' eyes keep twitching back and forth between him and Kendall and Logan, sharing a blanket in the corner. He's not even sure what movie is playing, blasting through the surround sound.

When James leans over and whispers to him, "How cute are they?" right in his ear, Carlos has the sudden urge to run away to his shared room with James, and curl up in his sock drawer and cry for days. Instead, he nods, and tries focusing on the movie, which is just confusing him, because he missed the entire first half, and now there's a boy and a man in a house that is floating in the air thanks to balloons, and Carlos has never been so confused in his life.

* * *

Carlos has just, given up. He's done playing games, and trying to hide what he's feeling; he's done with lying to himself.

He's in love with James Diamond. He's in love with James _fucking_ Diamond. The best friend, roommate and band mate that he's in love with. James. _Fucking_. Diamond.

Carlos starts to space himself from the rest of the group. When the guys say that they're going down to the pool to relax, Carlos says that he's tired and that he's gonna take a quick nap before dinner, when in fact, he's really just hiding in his room, getting off to a picture of James as a greasy mechanic, or a confused astronaut.

_This is so wrong_, Carlos thinks as he strokes himself. _But it feels so right._

And that is how Carlos spent most of his afternoons, locked away in his room, while his friends are off somewhere else, enjoying their time in the L.A. sun. What Carlos doesn't know, is that his three best friends have noticed Carlos acting weird. He used to always be up to pool time if it meant he'd get more time to stare at the Jennifer's while they drink their strawberry smoothies and learn their lines for their upcoming role in "The Magic Middle School".

And then the guys get really scared when Carlos stops eating a lot. He figures, if James will never like him, then what's the point of even trying? What's the point in trying anything? In Carlos' mind, there was no point.

"Honey," Mrs. Knight says as she places Katie's dinner plate in the sink. "Are you feeling okay? You haven't even touched your food."

"I'm fine," Carlos practically spits, forking a macaroni noodle.

James places a hand on his forehead, checking his temperature. "He doesn't feel warm, but-"

"Get off of me!" Carlos growls, angrily swatting James' hand away from his face. James gives him a confused look, and Logan and Kendall have a glint of concern in their eyes. "I'm fine; just… just leave me alone."

At this point, everyone, including Katie is scared about Carlos. He's never had such a bad temper before. Hell, he's never had a temper before. He's always been such a caring and loving guy. Yes, he was a little careless sometimes, but can you really blame him? Gravity is just sitting there, waiting to be defied one day, and Carlos is certain that he's the one who's going to do just that. One thing the guys knew for sure was that Carlos would never turn his back on his friends; he would stick with them through thick and thin, no matter what. So when Carlos has his little outburst at dinner, Kendall, Logan and James decide that one of them needs to talk to him.

"Guys, I'm really scared about Carlos. I've never seen him so angry before." Logan says, running a hand through his short hair, making it fall this way and that.

"One of us has to talk to him, see what's wrong." Kendall agrees lacing his fingers through Logan's. "I should talk to him, but I'll do it tomorrow."

James nods in agreement, but it's slightly reserved. James lives with the guy, for heaven's sakes! If anyone should talk to Carlos, it should be James. "Kendall, I'll talk to him." James says, his head hanging low. "He's my roommate, so I'll deal with it."

The next day, Carlos and James are home alone, Kendall and Logan are having boyfriend time down at the pool, and Katie had another audition to go too; she decided that she actually kind of like the whole acting thing.

James takes this as the perfect opportunity to talk to Carlos, except for the fact that Carlos locked himself in his room, with his helmet and his PSP to keep him busy. James waits at least twenty minutes until he finally decides that he needs to talk to Carlos; he needed to sort things out.

"Carlos?" James asks, knocking on his own bedroom door. "Can I come in?"

There is a small pause before Carlos answers, "Why?"

James thinks of something quickly, that will allow him access to his room. "I need a bandanna."

The door unlocks automatically, James enters seeing Carlos playing his PSP, walking towards his bed. James smiled to himself. Of course Carlos would open the door if James needed a bandanna. Carlos knows better than to mess with James and his bandanna's; he has one in every color, and on top of that he also has a sparkly version of each. Plus, he has a purple collection of bandannas that he keeps in a box under his bed labeled "Bandanna Man." There's a little warning at the bottom of that box that reads 'If you touch, Bandanna Man will lock you in the closet.', and as cheesy as it sounds, that threat actually kind of scares Carlos.

"What do you need a bandanna for?" Carlos asks, laying down on his bed, laying flat on his belly. "We have the day off."

"Oh," James says, sitting on his bed, staring across at Carlos. "I didn't actually need a bandanna."

"What?" Carlos raises and eyebrow. "Dude, then get the hell out," Carlos gets up, and starts pushing James to the door, but James pushes back, proving that he is stronger than Carlos.

"Wait, why?" James asks, pushing Carlos back a little. "Dude, why won't you let me even talk to you?"

Carlos rolls his eyes, and crosses his arms, stepping away from James. "I have my reasons, so just get out!"

James sighs. "I thought we were friends, Carlos. I thought you could tell me anything, but I guess I was wrong." James starts to walk out of the room, but Carlos' voice pulls him back in.

"Wait," Carlos says, stopping James from walking out of the room. "James, we are friends. We always have been," While all Carlos really wants to do is scream at James and tell him everything that is on his mind, he can't. The last thing Carlos' wants is to fight with the one guy that he's in love with.

James turns around and faces Carlos with a scared look on his face. "So then why can't you tell me what's wrong?" he demands. "Carlos, we're all worried about you. You haven't been acting like yourself lately, and if something is wrong, then you need to tell us so that we can fix it. Together."

"Yeah, well you know what James?" Carlos snaps, "This is something that can't be fixed. It is what it is and there's nothing that is going to change what I'm feeling!"

"What are you feeling?" James counters. "No one knows what happening with you, and your closing us out. Closing us out is not going to help you in any way. You can't just keep your feeling bottled up inside."

"What, would you rather have my feelings written up on the walls, there for everyone to see?"

"Yes, in fact that would be much-"

Carlos kisses him. It only takes him the first three words of James sentence that his lips cut off for Carlos to realize that this was his chance. If he didn't risk anything, he'd never gain anything. So Carlos kisses him. He gently cups James' face, and forces his lips on James.

James lips were soft against Carlos'. Carlos could feel himself smiling into the kiss, and James could feel Carlos pleading through the kiss. Kissing James was something completely different than kissing girls, and yet somehow exactly the same. Just like in the dreams, James' lips tasted like cherry lip balm, and Carlos never wanted to remove his mouth from the others. James lips were so gentle, almost female like, which is when Carlos realized something. All the characteristics in girls that he likes could be found in James also. The soft hair, the way he smells of 'Cuda Man Spray, and the way if you tell James that he sounded really good on one of their recorded songs, James' eyes sparkled, almost like he was misty eyed.

"There," Carlos says, removing his mouth from James' and pushing him away. "Now my feelings are up for everyone to see!" Carlos smirks angrily. "Are you happy now, James?"

James shakes his head. "You wanted to kiss me? That's what has been bothering you?" James laughs, and a knot in Carlos stomach starts to form. "Carlos, a kiss is a kiss. It shouldn't have you up all night, and not eating."

Carlos throws his hands in the air, muttering something about how 'god, this was so stupid'. "God, James, I know you're not the smartest person ever, but honestly how thick could you get?" he scoffs, "Do you really not understand what I'm feeling right now?" James raises an eyebrow at him, and Carlos feels the need to throw something breakable against the wall. "I fucking kissed you! I kissed you! You're a guy, and I'm a guy. It was a guy kissing a guy!"

"So?"

"_SO_?" Carlos asks, officially losing his temper. "It's wrong! What I'm feeling is wrong! I should be able to call my dad and say, oh yeah there's this totally hot girl that I'm falling for, but instead all I have to say is that I am in love with my best friend!"

There's a silence, that's not really awkward, but more of a time where the words that were just spoken were mulled over in James mind.

"Yeah, you heard me. I'm in love with you!" Carlos says loudly, and he wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Bitters received a phone call about the noise coming from apartment 2J. "I'm a big fucking faggot, okay? I'm gay!"

James is speechless, and doesn't say anything. His best friend, is in love with him. Carlos Garcia is in love with James Diamond. James' feels like he's on a cloud.

"So, how are you going to fix it, James? How are you going to change me? Oh, that's right, you can't." Carlos, who's face is flushed from yelling, picks up his helmet, and starts to storm out of the door. "So, excuse me for not wanting to hang around like an old dead goose. At least, now you know."

James' can't think straight. Carlos, who almost never loses his cool, just completely lost it. Carlos, the boy who is always so happy and thinks that thinking about kittens can solve anything, just cursed him out in their room. He kissed him. And James liked it. How weird is that? James liked Carlos kissing him. Sure, James had made out with a lot of guys, but usually that was at some stupid high school party, and he would be drunk and just trying to get into some dudes pants. But with Carlos it was time completely different. There wasn't that sexual urgency in Carlos' kiss. The only thing that was there was Carlos, sweet innocent Carlos, trying to prove something to James. And James had been a jerk. He completely ignored the raw emotions and feelings that Carlos was portraying through this kiss, and acting like a dumbass jerk face.

"CARLOS!" James calls, running after him. He needs to clear things up. Everything in his mind is fuzzy right now, and he's only hoping that with Carlos, he can un-blur everything that has just happened.

When James enters the kitchen, Carlos and is stealing a water bottle from the refrigerator, and chugs half of it, before glaring at James.

"What?" Carlos spits, leaning on the counter top, staring at the sink.

"I'm sorry," James says, giving in, looking into Carlos' mocha eyes.

"For what? Making me fall in love with you?" Carlos asks skeptically. He looks James up and down, before noticing the frown on his face that just tears his heart apart. Carlos sighs, the feeling of guilt ripping through him. "You have nothing to be sorry for. If anyone should be sorry, it should be me. I'm sorry I snapped."

James shook his head, unbelieving the words that were coming from Carlos. "you had every right to snap. I should have understood what you were trying to say, but I didn't. I was being a jerk. _I'm_ sorry."

Carlos nods, not entirely sure of what he should say next. "So…" he says awkwardly. "We cool?" Carlos asks, holding out a hand.

"Yeah," James says in return. "We're cool."

* * *

It was exactly like Carlos had imagined it. It was simply perfect, everything about it. The time, the place, who he was with, it all just clicked perfectly. It was directly out of one of his dreams, but this was better. He could feel fucking everything. He could feel James sweep a hand across his jaw, and he could feel him nibble of his lip, probably leaving teeth marks. He could feel his pants growing tighter every time he bucked his hips and James responded by saying "you little fucking whore.". the whole thing, the entire time, Carlos was in complete euphoria. He couldn't get enough, couldn't feel the planes of James' muscled stomach enough, or kiss his neck enough, trying to cover his entire body in loving kisses.

Carlos bucks his hips up again, and James smiled against his lips, running his hand over the growing bulge in the front of Carlos' pants, earning a sharp gasp from Carlos.

Just as James unbuttons Carlos' jeans, he leans in to Carlos' ear to mutter three words that Carlos had only heard in his dreams. "I love you,"

Carlos smiles. This was it, this was his chance. This was really happening, and everything that was said, or done or touched, would be remembered forever. And when Carlos looks into James' eyes and repeats the words, "I love you," all Carlos can think is that this is one hell of a way to remember it.

Fin.

* * *

_**A/N: So i hope you enjoyed! sometimes i hate the plot bunny, but right now, i kind of love it :) I really liked how this turned out, so i hope you do too!**_

_**And ya know, that review button? its having a bad day, so i think you should click it, make it feel better :)**_


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